Categories
Life

FEEL THE FEAR… AND DO IT ANYWAY

This is the mindset that brought about my recovery.

From November of 2010 until August of 2016 I was afraid. Change was needed, but my fear overwhelming.

I feared losing control, gaining weight, feeling uncomfortable. I didn’t know who I would be, or how I could cope without an eating disorder. It unnerved me to even ponder letting go of my food rigidity and exercise addiction. I was afraid to trust my dietitian, treatment team and ultimately: My own body.

My eating disorder was a coping mechanism for 6 long years. Even when I seemed to be doing okay (i.e. not in a hospital or treatment center of some type), I was still very much in the grips of anorexia. It kept me “safe” and I felt in control. That is, until it didn’t.

Finally, I reached a point in my life where I knew I would lose everything if I stayed in my disease. It was the Summer of 2016, I was wasting away to skin and bone. I could just envision what would happen if I did not change:  I would lose the ability to go to college, my boyfriend who I love dearly would probably move on, I would be sent to a treatment facility against my will… and the crushing reality- I could die.

FEAR AND FAITH

Fear stems from a lack of faith. Whether you believe in God, the powers of the universe or nothing, fear arises when you face uncertainty and are scared to move forward into the unclear future.

Faith is the opposite of fear. Faith is trusting in advanced what will only make sense in reverse. And that is what I did.  I set aside my fear, and trusted the process.

That first step will be intimidating. This is where “feeling the fear and doing it anyway” comes into play. You put your head down, dig deep, and listen to that whisper inside you that says, “I can do this.”

Afterwords, I can tell you from experience that it will feel like the weight of the world is lifted off your chest. You will have a lightness about you because finally, after years and years of being alone, you finally have put your trust into something outside of yourself. For me it was God and my dietitian. I knew neither of them would fail me. Deep down my fear of staying in my eating disorder was greater than letting it go.

I wish I could make anyone struggling in life let go of their fear and trust the process. But I cannot. The reality is you must choose to change on your own. My hope for anyone reading this is that it does not take you 6 years. I pray that you may find your mustard seed of faith, and let it grow. I promise, the other side of fear is a beautiful place to be.

Categories
Life

MY ANOREXIA {REAL} RECOVERY

Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest things we’ll ever do”

-Brene Brown

As some of you may know, I have battled anorexia for a very long time. I was first diagnosed in November 2010, but the behaviors started in the Spring of that year.

After 6 years of appointments, hospitalizations, inpatient stays, outpatient programs, half-hearted recovery attempts, tears, anger and fear- I finally decided to take back my life. My “real recovery” date is September 1st, 2016. That was the day I began following my meal plan my dietitian and I agreed on. That was the day I began to give up control.  I began to trust the process.

My dietitian slowly increased my calories until I was steadily gaining, and I reached a healthy weight at the end of November.

I have gained 12.5 pounds since August and now sit at a healthy 107-108 pounds (weight fluctuates ya’ll – don’t freak over it!).

LIFE CURRENTLY

I can’t even begin to describe how much better my life after only 5 months of living in a recovery state of mind. My relationship with my boyfriend has improved, my family and I get along better, I feel less anxious and moody, and I have energy and I am getting stronger!

I have been lifting weights in the gym and in doing so, have found a new passion. The gym has begun to be a therapeutic experience for me, not a place where my eating disorder makes me go to burn calories. I love the feeling of getting stronger, lifting heavier and seeing my baby muscles grow!

This is me December 28th 2016!

After a bad day, or if I am struggling with body image, throwing some weight around (not literally!) makes me feel like a bad ass and quiets that voice in my head that tells me I am flabby or fat or have gained too much weight.

I’m not saying it’s all rainbows and butterflies. It has been very difficult mentally and physically to gain weight and not give up. I still struggle a lot of with body image and certain foods and going out to eat causes anxiety and fear- but I’m getting there!

One day at a time, and “embrace the suck” on the hard days. Life is so beautiful, and there is so much more to it than weight shape and appearance.

Linking up with Amanda at Running With Spoons

TELL ME…

Do you struggle with body image?

The most delicious things you last ate?