My Anorexia {Real} Recovery

“Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest things we’ll ever do”

-Brene Brown

As some of you may know, I have battled anorexia for a very long time. I was first diagnosed in November 2010, but the behaviors started in the Spring of that year.

After 6 years of appointments, hospitalizations, inpatient stays, outpatient programs, half-hearted recovery attempts, tears, anger and fear- I finally decided to take back my life. My “real recovery” date is September 1st, 2016. That was the day I began following my meal plan my dietitian and I agreed on. That was the day I began to give up control.  I began to trust the process.

My dietitian slowly increased my calories until I was steadily gaining, and I reached a healthy weight at the end of November.

I have gained 12.5 pounds since August and now sit at a healthy 107-108 pounds (weight fluctuates ya’ll – don’t freak over it!).

Life Currently

I can’t even begin to describe how much better my life after only 5 months of living in a recovery state of mind. My relationship with my boyfriend has improved, my family and I get along better, I feel less anxious and moody, and I have energy and I am getting stronger!

I have been lifting weights in the gym and in doing so, have found a new passion. The gym has begun to be a therapeutic experience for me, not a place where my eating disorder makes me go to burn calories. I love the feeling of getting stronger, lifting heavier and seeing my baby muscles grow!

This is me December 28th 2016!

After a bad day, or if I am struggling with body image, throwing some weight around (not literally!) makes me feel like a bad ass and quiets that voice in my head that tells me I am flabby or fat or have gained too much weight.

I’m not saying it’s all rainbows and butterflies. It has been very difficult mentally and physically to gain weight and not give up. I still struggle a lot of with body image and certain foods and going out to eat causes anxiety and fear- but I’m getting there!

One day at a time, and “embrace the suck” on the hard days. Life is so beautiful, and there is so much more to it than weight shape and appearance.

Linking up with Amanda at Running With Spoons

Tell me…

Do you struggle with body image?

The most delicious things you last ate?

 

16 thoughts on “My Anorexia {Real} Recovery

  1. Emily says:

    YES, I do still struggle with body image; I did last night, but I had to get out of the mirror really quickly.

    And I am just amazed at how God works miracles; He is mighty! I’ve seen you and another girl that I was praying for this year really overcome HUGE obstacles and it’s been absolutely awesome.

    • sarah4rdfl@gmail.com says:

      OH Emily you are so incredibly kind. Thank you for your prayers, God is so good.

      I think avoiding the mirror on bad body image days is the way to go, I like to do something to get out of my head like go for a walk or call someone.

    • sarah4rdfl@gmail.com says:

      Thank you Joyce! I know it will be full of ups and downs, and people always tell me that body image is the last to go, but you’re so right, I have to stick with it. Thanks for reading.

  2. Jennifer @ Fit Nana says:

    Congratulations on your recovery progress! I love that you are lifting weights and the gym has transitioned to a happy place rather than a place where your disorder made you go. Muscles are awesome! And it’s definitely going to take some time for you to heal and be able to go out to eat without anxiety. But, you’ve done the hardest part – taking the first steps towards a serious and sincere effort at recovery. I wish you all the best!!

    • sarah4rdfl@gmail.com says:

      Thank you for your kind words Jennifer. I am so grateful that I have been able to turn the gym into something positive. I have always been an athlete, but the eating disorder made exercise an obsession rather than a passion.

  3. Samantha says:

    Your recovery truly is amazing! Im so happy that you found something that you love to do at the gym and don’t go anymore just to burn calories and feed your eating disorder! Keep on at it with recovery and I’m sure you’ll go far 🙂

  4. Marina @ A Dancer's Live-It says:

    Much love to you girl! <3 Recovery is SO worth it. I still have my days, especially after the holidays, but I have to remind myself that my weight is JUST a number and doesn't define me as a person. You're so strong and inspiring!!

    • sarah4rdfl@gmail.com says:

      It is so worth it! Thank you Marina, and thank you for being such a great role model, for me and so many others I am sure. I also need to work on not giving the number on the scale so much power- because we are so much more than our bodies, and weight is literally just a number.

  5. kate says:

    And just think- it only gets better!! I’m so happy for you and I know your dietitian must be so proud. Gaining weight and recovery is so freaking hard, but the happiness seeps in slowly but surely!
    I do still struggle with body image, but it is not something that controls me or influences my decisions. Some days are great, other days not so great. I have to remind myself that it’s just a body and not who I am!

    • sarah4rdfl@gmail.com says:

      Thank you Kate! My dietitian is definitely so proud of me. I have known her since my first inpatient stay in 2011 where she is the RD, and have been seeing her ever since then, through another inpatient stay and many ups and downs she has been so amazing and refused to give up on me. I gave her a mug for Christmas that says “Keep calm and trust the Dietitian” it perfectly describes our relationship LOL.

      Thank you for being such a positive healthy living and recovery role model. Your blog has helped me so much. And I also am working own reminding myself every day that I am not my body, and learning to appreciate it instead of hurt it.

    • sarah4rdfl@gmail.com says:

      And eventually the days will get better! The hard days will start to become fewer and farther between. Thank you so much Lyss, and thank you for being such a great friend.

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